4th of july, other random thoughts, and a new blog?

i took this picture during my fam’s 4th of july weekend trip. one thing i became a bit fascinated with was the effect heavy rain and wind create on car windows. maybe it’s not so spectacular, but in my mind it’s pretty cool.

summation of my 4th of july: ate at two cool restaurants, saw some interesting austin people (and was reminded why i like austin), ended up on an unexpected mini-roadtrip on some nice country highways through some lovely fields during the late afternoon (think sunset + fields = prrretttyyy) on the 4th, went through some cool little towns, texted/called some of my friends back home pretty intensely during that mini-roadtrip, desperately wished i could be back at home with my friends (they were pretty much ALL at a 4th of july party), also i discovered that the beach boys wore skinny jeans, caught a few fireworks (saw some, that is – but i *do* have mystical fireworks-catching powers), and decided that one day i want to take a road trip through texas.

unfortunately, it wasn’t quite as interesting as it sounds. but definitely made for an experience.

random thoughts: i’m realizing a few things right now, as i am officially in i-don’t-have-much-to-do-with-my-time-summer-mode. it causes me to be overly reflective, thinking about things that bothered me during the school year but i didn’t have enough time to deal with. anyway, one of the things i’m realizing is that i have too many expectations. (i could say ‘great expectations’, but that sounds cheesy, and i hated that book.) there’s lots of things i want to do with my life, even though i don’t know what i want to do with it, if that makes any sense. and i want to ‘do things’ with my life (other than go through the motions, that is) ASAP. problem is, i think about that, how awesome it would be to be doing this or that, and i forget that 1) whatever this or that is, it’s most likely impossible right now or in the near future. 2) i may not ever do anything that *i* deem as ’significant’ with my life. it doesn’t matter what is significant to me, it matters what is significant to God. 3) what i DO have is RIGHT NOW. not life-that-could-me-much-more-fulfilling-if-i-was-doing-this-or-that, but what i’m living right now. i may not be doing things that i think are ‘important’ right now, but that does not make this time, which i have, any less ‘important.’ in fact, it may make it more important. i don’t know. it’s not up to me to decide. 4) thinking in such a way makes me more dissatisfied with what i have right now. if i am looking to some future that doesn’t even exist, i am not only overlooking what i have, but i am making it seem not-good-enough.

by no means do i have it all sorted out, but i’ve realized a few things about myself and my ways of thinking that are totally wrong. it’s one thing to ‘dream’ or have aspirations and big plans. it’s another thing to let those thoughts take away your appreciation for what God has given you right now.

and about the blog: i have a new blog in the works. but it’s mostly just ‘in the works.’ so no link here, yet…

on the ending of art camp and the resuming of almost having a life

i’m actually daring to touch this blog today, something i’ve apparently been scared to do, seeing as i haven’t posted in a looonnnnngggg tiiiimmmmme.

my one-month run working at a kid’s art camp is over! yay! only problem: i don’t really have much to do now. it’s wonderful to have free time in which you aren’t completely and utterly exhausted. there were some really difficult kids this year, and a lot of heavy cleaning to do at the end of the day. i also got a cold/flu hybrid on the second day of the camp which stuck around for 2 weeks (and yes, i went to work everyday), and now i’m sick again with another cold! how it’s possible to catch two different colds in the same month, i’m not sure…

it’s unfortunate that this latest experience working in the studio during the camp was so stressful, because it will be my last time to work there in a long time. my class schedule in the fall is like, omg, the worst ever, so there goes any chance of teaching any of the art classes during the semester. but i’m not sure i could find another job that pays that enough without demanding every minute of my free time. so for this upcoming school year, i’m pretty much job- and therefore income-less. i’ll miss being in the studio. it has a certain smell. a certain atmosphere. i’ll probably miss getting paint on my face, too.

other things that have been going on: i saw WALL-E this weekend, and i think it will go on my very-hard-to-get-onto favorites list. yeah, it was that good. and i don’t usually go for the pixar movies all that much. also, i got together with several friend in what was a marathon of hanging out. it was tiring but good to catch up. it included such highlights as getting lost in a park and ride lot, playing 349837483 rounds of catch phrase, hearing pride and prejudice music on classical guitar at panera, and getting lost in the men’s dept. at neiman marcus (and having a conversation about guys who wear deep v-necks and the scary cosmetics ladies that work there with buckets of make-up on their faces).

piano…? umm…

sarah really hasn’t practiced in the last 2 weeks.

sarah feels guilty about this.

she has things she has to work on over the summer.

but she feels even more guilty that she doesn’t want to practice.

but she actually does want to practice – at least part of her does.

sarah really needs to practice.

oh my. why am i so complicated and… musician-ish?

while i have been not practicing, i’ve been doing things like going to lots of graduation events and sleeping in scandalously late (the sad thing is, i try to get up earlier. but i keep doing that thing where you see what time it is and think ‘i’ve got to wake up,’ and start to get up, but next thing you know you’re waking up again and it’s almost noon. what’s up with that?). i’ve also been doing massive cleaning and organizing of all my stuff. i’ve decided that going through a very cluttered room is a lot like what i go through when writing a big paper. there’s so many little things, and you don’t know where to start. it’s very frustrating, but i’m slowly getting my way-too-many wordly possessions downsized.

all the graduation things lately have got me thinking about my graduation (which will hopefully only be 3 years from now) from *gulp* college. that just sounds scary. three years is not very long at all, and i know it will be here very quickly. yikes.

so i guess i better get practicing…

summer

it’s almost here. well, it feels like it’s already here outside. finals aren’t quite over yet – but i’m trying not to worry about them. actually, i don’t even have to try – they’re not the first thing on my mind, more like something i just have to get over with.

i have decided i love summer. i love feeling refreshed instead of frozen when i walk into an air conditioned building. i love swimming. i love the way things smell in the summer. i love the smell of water, sunscreen, and whatever perfume i’m wearing all mixed together with the warmth of the sun on my skin. i love being in the water, in a pool or at the beach, and feeling totally relaxed. it’s a feeling that lasts even after i’m out of the water.

i think beaches are one of God’s most amazing creations (if there could be such a category). not only are they beautiful, but they are so… therapeutic, in a way. just feeling the breeze, hearing the waves, standing in the water – i think the best word for it is sublime. it describes the feeling of summer to me.

just writing this, i’m reminded that God has given me so many good (maybe even ‘happy’?) things, from great people in my life with whom i’ve had some great times, to lovely experiences of being outdoors in the season He created. i have a lot to be thankful for – even though i may get discouraged, my life has been peppered with wonderful things.

i am so ADD

when i have to write a paper.

even when it’s not a very hard one.

focus….

blog, meet April. April, meet blog.

and…

happy birthday to me. (a few days belated.)

do i feel any different?

no. thankfully i was only asked that question once or twice this time. i do feel more tired and stressed than last week, but i doubt it has anything to do with being a year older. =p

it was a pretty good day, even if it was spent mostly by running around from class to class like i do everyday. it was a better school day than most. and a lot of people that i don’t really talk to said ‘happy birthday,’ all because of facebook. i think that’s pretty cool.

now i get to go write papers (yes! more than one), analyze music (so i can write papers on that too), go to the music store (to get some music for a possible audition), go to something at school (maybe – if i have time), ahhh! no time for fun. not that i would be having fun if i didn’t have so much to do this weekend. i would probably be wasting time, doing nothing, because unfortunately that’s what i want to do after a week of school. i’m so lazy! ahh!

that was really rambling and it had no point. oh well! such is life sometimes.

headache

my head hurts. it started hurting in my 8:00 class during the test. grrr.  (grrr about the headache more than the test, which i think went pretty well.)

i actually wrote a post a few days ago, but just now discovered that i only saved it, not published it. technicalities!

i’ve made a resolution (sort of – as much as i ever really make a resolution. they usually are more idealistic concepts than actual plans of action) not to stress so much this week. when i have a hard school week, i always stress more than i study. it appears as though i’ve worked really hard, studying a lot; however, most of my time is spent stressing over what i have to do and how i’m going to do it than actually studying or learning anything. therefore, i’m going to try to be more relaxed this week and just do my studying. no extra stress if possible. we’ll see how that goes…

time is really flying by. which is good, because that means summer vacation is getting closer and closer. but it also means some things are coming to an end. i won’t have the same roommates next year, which i’m trying not to think about as the weeks race past. my classes will be a lot harder next year – yay. and i have no idea what i’m going to do with myself for most of the summer. why is it so hard to make the present enjoyable and not something that we want to be over and done with? and if we are enjoying it, why can’t we make it go by slower?

hmm. time.

bad coffee and some confusion

right now i am enjoying (heh) some bad coffee. it’s supposed to be a cafe mocha, but really it is just a sad mix of chocolate mocha syrup, milk, and espresso (maybe…) from a fake-o starbucks (you know, the ones that say ‘we are proud to serve starbucks coffee,’ but it’s definitely not starbucks-level quality to say the least).

i really don’t have anything to do right now. wait, i take that back: i don’t have anything i have to do right now. there are things i could or even should be doing, but i’m not doing them because i am a certified (board-certified i might add) task avoider. so, instead, i’m here rambling on my blog and using too many italics.

the confusion is about life in general right now. i definitely had one of those crisis weekends where the “WHAT am i doing?!i have no idea! i can’t do this! what made me think i ever could?!” ideas start swimming around in one’s head. which of course leads to “i really don’t know what i am doing. i’m just floating on, doing what i have to, then hoping for the best. but i don’t feel like i can really do any of this. i don’t know what i’m going to do with this anyway. it’s not really going to help me at all.”

i think really knowing – not just head knowledge but fully believing – that there is some kind of reason or purpose to why we are where we are in life is something that everyone struggles with. some more than others, of course – and sometimes more than other times.

most Christians ‘know’ that God uses us wherever we are, but usually we really ‘believe’ that we somehow have to be doing something magnificent and exciting for it to be really important. everyday life is just not significant enough in our minds – we want to be part of something big, be doing something exciting with our lives. in fact, most of us don’t think our life has really started yet – it is always around the corner, but we’re not there yet. if only i was here or there, then my life will be real and purposeful. we may not think spending our days at the same-old school, the same-old home, the same-old work, with the same-old problems, is valuable or significant, but God probably has different ideas.  His idea of working in our lives most likely isn’t letting us rock along doing nothing until we can do something that fits our ideas of  ’exciting’ or ’significant.’ (that really is somewhat ridiculous if you think about it)

but, why then, if i’m supposed to be doing what i’m doing now, does it seems so insignificant? why do i still have no confidence? even if i really do know that i am in this situation for a purpose, maybe i still don’t feel confident that i should be doing this, or maybe this situation is just plain unpleasant. well, maybe there is some purpose in the situation itself. it is possible that i may grow through this situation. what i learn now may help me later. there are many speculations we could make.

 maybe the ’significance’ of our lives starts inside of us. maybe, instead of waiting for our lives to become what we think they should be, we should consider that we belong to God and that He is using us right now where we are. that means that every day is significant, because He is working. let’s not disregard what our human minds think is unimportant, because in doing so, we may be disregarding what is important to God. it’s not all about us, anyway.

oh, and happy easter… Jesus is alive. )

an interesting sunday morning…

but i think in some ways it turned out to be something of a ‘day of rest’…

it was one of those mornings. you know, the ones where you get up but you’re still 100% asleep, feeling like you have been run over by several trucks and left in some really dense fog. ok, that’s melodramatic. i stayed up until 2-ish a.m., so it’s my fault.

now, the indoor/outdoor cat had been ‘gone’ for a day. this morning she was heard in the attic, but was too scared to come down the stairs. i tried coaxing her in many ways, but she still wouldn’t come down or even let me grab her and carry her down. at this point, it was time to leave for church, so my parents left (i really didn’t want to not go to church) and i was left to continue the cat rescue. eventually i got her to come down outside through an attic vent – and she apparently had no problem flying/leaping/falling to the ground (it would have made a great LOLcats shot) as i was trying to drag the patio table over for her to land on (but of course she couldn’t wait). it was a fiasco, definitely, but the meanhead (that is her name, btw) is recovered.

after that, i decided to meander over to the piano. first i started practicing my mozart piano concerto (heh… it’s getting better), but i wasn’t in the mood for that. i practiced sight singing for a while, but that was depressing (it’s one thing to sing; it’s another thing to try to hit all the right pitches of a melody you’ve never heard with no help from any instruments). so i began digging around and found a bunch of simple (but nice) arrangements of Christmas songs. i played some of the good ones: What Child is This, O Come All Ye Faithful, O Holy Night, etc. these songs aren’t just ‘Christmas songs’ at all. in fact, i like them better when it’s not Christmas. it’s almost as if you can appreciate their message more when it’s not ‘the Christmas season.’ first of all, we don’t know when Christ was born, and his coming to earth is something that should be celebrated all year long. second, the songs are pretty much ruined during Christmas because you hear the same ones 298032 times as the soundtrack of the commercialized, hurried, stressful ‘most wonderful time of the year.’ conclusion: good Christmas music isn’t just for Christmas. and it was nice being alone in the house, playing these songs and thinking about them. not a bad way to spend a sunday morning.

ugh, i need to get to work on my program notes paper.

but that’s life…

almost happy?

being ‘happy’ is something i don’t feel very familiar with. really – what does that mean? maybe i’m just too gloomy most of the time (actually, i know i am), but the idea of ‘happy,’ whatever it is, is mostly foreign to me. people throw that word around all the time: speaking of wanting to be happy or ‘finding’ happiness. i’m not really sure if  the definition ‘happiness’ is a feeling, a state of being, or something else… but it seems nearly impossible to actually have it.

but, for a couple of days this week i have felt good in a weird (for me) way. it’s not because i’ve had really interesting days at school or anything spectacular like that. instead, it’s something of a good feeling about life - it may be something borderlining on almost happy.  (???)

i’m inclined to think that this ‘almost happiness’ is something that doesn’t depend on the absence of horribly mundane classes, sleep depravation, weird disruptive maintenance issues at my place of living,  stress, etc. i’m even more inclined to think that this weird inner almost-happy (i really don’t know how else to describe it) thing is something from Above.

it is so easy to be so caught up in day-to-day life and not have an awareness of God’s presence, the reality of who He is and what He has done for us. it is so easy to feel distant from Him, caught up in this life like it’s some kind of ‘bubble,’ still wishing for some sense of transcendence but not getting anywhere near it – and becoming used to such an existence. so, what does this have to do with this weird ‘almost-happy’ feeling that i am having all of a sudden? here’s what i think it is: i really have felt God’s presence the last few days – He is there, and it really amazes me.

on that note:

=)