headache

my head hurts. it started hurting in my 8:00 class during the test. grrr.  (grrr about the headache more than the test, which i think went pretty well.)

i actually wrote a post a few days ago, but just now discovered that i only saved it, not published it. technicalities!

i’ve made a resolution (sort of – as much as i ever really make a resolution. they usually are more idealistic concepts than actual plans of action) not to stress so much this week. when i have a hard school week, i always stress more than i study. it appears as though i’ve worked really hard, studying a lot; however, most of my time is spent stressing over what i have to do and how i’m going to do it than actually studying or learning anything. therefore, i’m going to try to be more relaxed this week and just do my studying. no extra stress if possible. we’ll see how that goes…

time is really flying by. which is good, because that means summer vacation is getting closer and closer. but it also means some things are coming to an end. i won’t have the same roommates next year, which i’m trying not to think about as the weeks race past. my classes will be a lot harder next year – yay. and i have no idea what i’m going to do with myself for most of the summer. why is it so hard to make the present enjoyable and not something that we want to be over and done with? and if we are enjoying it, why can’t we make it go by slower?

hmm. time.

bad coffee and some confusion

right now i am enjoying (heh) some bad coffee. it’s supposed to be a cafe mocha, but really it is just a sad mix of chocolate mocha syrup, milk, and espresso (maybe…) from a fake-o starbucks (you know, the ones that say ‘we are proud to serve starbucks coffee,’ but it’s definitely not starbucks-level quality to say the least).

i really don’t have anything to do right now. wait, i take that back: i don’t have anything i have to do right now. there are things i could or even should be doing, but i’m not doing them because i am a certified (board-certified i might add) task avoider. so, instead, i’m here rambling on my blog and using too many italics.

the confusion is about life in general right now. i definitely had one of those crisis weekends where the “WHAT am i doing?!i have no idea! i can’t do this! what made me think i ever could?!” ideas start swimming around in one’s head. which of course leads to “i really don’t know what i am doing. i’m just floating on, doing what i have to, then hoping for the best. but i don’t feel like i can really do any of this. i don’t know what i’m going to do with this anyway. it’s not really going to help me at all.”

i think really knowing – not just head knowledge but fully believing – that there is some kind of reason or purpose to why we are where we are in life is something that everyone struggles with. some more than others, of course – and sometimes more than other times.

most Christians ‘know’ that God uses us wherever we are, but usually we really ‘believe’ that we somehow have to be doing something magnificent and exciting for it to be really important. everyday life is just not significant enough in our minds – we want to be part of something big, be doing something exciting with our lives. in fact, most of us don’t think our life has really started yet – it is always around the corner, but we’re not there yet. if only i was here or there, then my life will be real and purposeful. we may not think spending our days at the same-old school, the same-old home, the same-old work, with the same-old problems, is valuable or significant, but God probably has different ideas.  His idea of working in our lives most likely isn’t letting us rock along doing nothing until we can do something that fits our ideas of  ’exciting’ or ’significant.’ (that really is somewhat ridiculous if you think about it)

but, why then, if i’m supposed to be doing what i’m doing now, does it seems so insignificant? why do i still have no confidence? even if i really do know that i am in this situation for a purpose, maybe i still don’t feel confident that i should be doing this, or maybe this situation is just plain unpleasant. well, maybe there is some purpose in the situation itself. it is possible that i may grow through this situation. what i learn now may help me later. there are many speculations we could make.

 maybe the ’significance’ of our lives starts inside of us. maybe, instead of waiting for our lives to become what we think they should be, we should consider that we belong to God and that He is using us right now where we are. that means that every day is significant, because He is working. let’s not disregard what our human minds think is unimportant, because in doing so, we may be disregarding what is important to God. it’s not all about us, anyway.

oh, and happy easter… Jesus is alive. )

an interesting sunday morning…

but i think in some ways it turned out to be something of a ‘day of rest’…

it was one of those mornings. you know, the ones where you get up but you’re still 100% asleep, feeling like you have been run over by several trucks and left in some really dense fog. ok, that’s melodramatic. i stayed up until 2-ish a.m., so it’s my fault.

now, the indoor/outdoor cat had been ‘gone’ for a day. this morning she was heard in the attic, but was too scared to come down the stairs. i tried coaxing her in many ways, but she still wouldn’t come down or even let me grab her and carry her down. at this point, it was time to leave for church, so my parents left (i really didn’t want to not go to church) and i was left to continue the cat rescue. eventually i got her to come down outside through an attic vent – and she apparently had no problem flying/leaping/falling to the ground (it would have made a great LOLcats shot) as i was trying to drag the patio table over for her to land on (but of course she couldn’t wait). it was a fiasco, definitely, but the meanhead (that is her name, btw) is recovered.

after that, i decided to meander over to the piano. first i started practicing my mozart piano concerto (heh… it’s getting better), but i wasn’t in the mood for that. i practiced sight singing for a while, but that was depressing (it’s one thing to sing; it’s another thing to try to hit all the right pitches of a melody you’ve never heard with no help from any instruments). so i began digging around and found a bunch of simple (but nice) arrangements of Christmas songs. i played some of the good ones: What Child is This, O Come All Ye Faithful, O Holy Night, etc. these songs aren’t just ‘Christmas songs’ at all. in fact, i like them better when it’s not Christmas. it’s almost as if you can appreciate their message more when it’s not ‘the Christmas season.’ first of all, we don’t know when Christ was born, and his coming to earth is something that should be celebrated all year long. second, the songs are pretty much ruined during Christmas because you hear the same ones 298032 times as the soundtrack of the commercialized, hurried, stressful ‘most wonderful time of the year.’ conclusion: good Christmas music isn’t just for Christmas. and it was nice being alone in the house, playing these songs and thinking about them. not a bad way to spend a sunday morning.

ugh, i need to get to work on my program notes paper.

but that’s life…

almost happy?

being ‘happy’ is something i don’t feel very familiar with. really – what does that mean? maybe i’m just too gloomy most of the time (actually, i know i am), but the idea of ‘happy,’ whatever it is, is mostly foreign to me. people throw that word around all the time: speaking of wanting to be happy or ‘finding’ happiness. i’m not really sure if  the definition ‘happiness’ is a feeling, a state of being, or something else… but it seems nearly impossible to actually have it.

but, for a couple of days this week i have felt good in a weird (for me) way. it’s not because i’ve had really interesting days at school or anything spectacular like that. instead, it’s something of a good feeling about life - it may be something borderlining on almost happy.  (???)

i’m inclined to think that this ‘almost happiness’ is something that doesn’t depend on the absence of horribly mundane classes, sleep depravation, weird disruptive maintenance issues at my place of living,  stress, etc. i’m even more inclined to think that this weird inner almost-happy (i really don’t know how else to describe it) thing is something from Above.

it is so easy to be so caught up in day-to-day life and not have an awareness of God’s presence, the reality of who He is and what He has done for us. it is so easy to feel distant from Him, caught up in this life like it’s some kind of ‘bubble,’ still wishing for some sense of transcendence but not getting anywhere near it – and becoming used to such an existence. so, what does this have to do with this weird ‘almost-happy’ feeling that i am having all of a sudden? here’s what i think it is: i really have felt God’s presence the last few days – He is there, and it really amazes me.

on that note:

=)

a good weekend i did have

[BTW: i wrote this on monday, even saved the draft, but never posted it. so, basically, this is old information...] 

even if it hasn’t gotten off to the greatest start. theory class in the morning with not much sleep = sarah not being able to spell a diminished seventh chord out loud in class. (there’s some music terms for you!) but, it’s easy to make a mistake in what you say when you’re not playing or writing it…

 anyway, so i had a good weekend. i got my hair cut finally. i got to catch up with a friend i haven’t seen in a while. i got most of my homework done. i got to see adrienne, who was there when i was creeped out by a james mcavoy look-alike (cr-reepy – but funny) who kept standing next to me even though he was sitting 4 or 5 chairs away from me at a “concert” that was more like a really great (seriously, it was) time of worship lead by this guy. i also got to visit adrienne’s church on Sunday, which we have been talking about doing for just about ever. (oh yes, and don’t forget staying up till 3 + the time change!) i also went to my old dance school’s fundraiser, which was a little weird, but it was cool to see some people there who i haven’t seen in some time…