bad coffee and some confusion

right now i am enjoying (heh) some bad coffee. it’s supposed to be a cafe mocha, but really it is just a sad mix of chocolate mocha syrup, milk, and espresso (maybe…) from a fake-o starbucks (you know, the ones that say ‘we are proud to serve starbucks coffee,’ but it’s definitely not starbucks-level quality to say the least).

i really don’t have anything to do right now. wait, i take that back: i don’t have anything i have to do right now. there are things i could or even should be doing, but i’m not doing them because i am a certified (board-certified i might add) task avoider. so, instead, i’m here rambling on my blog and using too many italics.

the confusion is about life in general right now. i definitely had one of those crisis weekends where the “WHAT am i doing?!i have no idea! i can’t do this! what made me think i ever could?!” ideas start swimming around in one’s head. which of course leads to “i really don’t know what i am doing. i’m just floating on, doing what i have to, then hoping for the best. but i don’t feel like i can really do any of this. i don’t know what i’m going to do with this anyway. it’s not really going to help me at all.”

i think really knowing – not just head knowledge but fully believing – that there is some kind of reason or purpose to why we are where we are in life is something that everyone struggles with. some more than others, of course – and sometimes more than other times.

most Christians ‘know’ that God uses us wherever we are, but usually we really ‘believe’ that we somehow have to be doing something magnificent and exciting for it to be really important. everyday life is just not significant enough in our minds – we want to be part of something big, be doing something exciting with our lives. in fact, most of us don’t think our life has really started yet – it is always around the corner, but we’re not there yet. if only i was here or there, then my life will be real and purposeful. we may not think spending our days at the same-old school, the same-old home, the same-old work, with the same-old problems, is valuable or significant, but God probably has different ideas.  His idea of working in our lives most likely isn’t letting us rock along doing nothing until we can do something that fits our ideas of  ’exciting’ or ’significant.’ (that really is somewhat ridiculous if you think about it)

but, why then, if i’m supposed to be doing what i’m doing now, does it seems so insignificant? why do i still have no confidence? even if i really do know that i am in this situation for a purpose, maybe i still don’t feel confident that i should be doing this, or maybe this situation is just plain unpleasant. well, maybe there is some purpose in the situation itself. it is possible that i may grow through this situation. what i learn now may help me later. there are many speculations we could make.

 maybe the ’significance’ of our lives starts inside of us. maybe, instead of waiting for our lives to become what we think they should be, we should consider that we belong to God and that He is using us right now where we are. that means that every day is significant, because He is working. let’s not disregard what our human minds think is unimportant, because in doing so, we may be disregarding what is important to God. it’s not all about us, anyway.

oh, and happy easter… Jesus is alive. )